One Step at a Time
by Dragonflys-Girl
Summary: It was a peculiar situation, because he was getting what he wanted. He wasn’t forced into anything he didn’t like. He got what he wanted – just that there was always a price to pay, always a condition attached. Spoiler: Backward Day


Title: One Step at a Time

Author: Dragonfly's Girl aka Ki Ki

Disclaimers: Not mine. Just borrowing them out to play.

Spoiler: Backwrad Days

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He wondered why he let her have such complete control over their relationship. They started on her terms, because she finally let her guard down to let him in. They stayed at her place, because she was closer to the station, because she had a bigger place. They rarely went out, and only did so when she wanted to, because she was afraid others might see them together. They hid the relationship from the rest of the team, because she feared this relationship would ruin her future.

He let her do all those, let her dictate all the terms.

She was in the driver's seat all the time, both physically and metaphorically.

It was a peculiar situation, because he was getting what he wanted. He wasn't forced into anything he didn't like. He got what he wanted – just that there was always a price to pay, always a condition attached.

And she knew him well; she could read him – the disadvantage of dating someone trained in negotiation and breathed to read someone else's body language. She was definitely more skilled than he was in that department.

She knew what he wanted, knew what to give him to keep him with her, knew when to rein him closer and when to let him loose.

He hated being so out of control. He loved being with someone so aware of what he wanted.

Just like today. She knew when to draw him back with her, knew that he couldn't resist her if she made the first move, knew that his offer of a break, his mere suggestion to be apart from her, would only be a half-hearted attempt to regain some sort of control and resemblance in his life. She knew very well her effects on him.

But somehow, somewhere along the way, he became this willing participant in this push-and-pull game they played.

"Hey," her gentle taps on his shoulder jerked him from his thoughts. "You okay?"

_No_, he wanted to say. _No I'm not because somewhere, somehow you have become so integral in my life that I don't know how to function without you anymore_.

"I'm fine," he opted, hoping to mask his turbulent thoughts.

She gave him a look, "Okay."

He followed her into her house, surveyed the half-completed renovations and the dry wall that was waiting to be primed.

"You want anything to drink?" she offered while walking to the kitchen herself, flinging her bag on the ground beside her couch and shedding her jean jacket along the way. He simply stood in the living room, watching her. "Sam?"

"Eh, no, no, I'm fine," he answered, lowering his own back by hers and moved towards the dry wall, running his hand through the still bumpy surface.

She walked out of the kitchen with two beers anyway, setting one on the coffee table before walking to him with another one in her hand.

"You're not seriously thinking about working on the dry wall, are you?" she was standing very close to him – too close, so close that he was losing in her scent and almost forgetting his resolve to regain control in his life. She was leaning in to kiss him, her body heat reaching him and causing his own temperature to rise.

"Jules," he tried to step back. He was getting lost in her again, her closeness and her kisses taking away his rational thoughts, just when he so wanted some resemblance of control back. "Jules, stop."

"Sam?" she was confused, he could hear so in her voice.

"I – God, Jules –" he stopped, not at all sure what it was that he wanted to say to her, only that he needed this sensation to stop, wanted his own neediness for her to stop.

She bit her lower lips, studying him, "You still want the break, huh?"

He looked at her, panic, almost fearful of the idea that she was as ready to be apart from him. It was a damning dichotomy. He planted the seeds for a break, and now he was afraid of actually being apart.

"Jules, I – I don't know what I want," he admitted. "I want to be with you, God, I do, but at the same time, this is – all these secrecies, all these emotional ups and downs. I don't know, Jules. I don't know."

She looked almost subdued, her expression quickly turning unreadable, "So you do want the break."

He hated the look on her face, hated how his indecision and uncertainty of his own emotions were causing them.

He hated seeing her hurt, plain and simple.

"Maybe you should leave then," she softly suggested. "I just thought that, you know, this is what you want."

"I don't know what I want," he reiterated. "I just feel like I've been going along with things here. It almost feels like I'm losing control and I don't have a say in what's going to happen next anymore."

"I – " she started, but held back as she took a step away from him. Watching him with eyes filled with hurt, she stumbled with her words, "I never meant to make you feel this way. I just feel so out of control myself."

Her admission startled him; his sight was fixated on her then. He watched as she took a deep breath in, the hurt and pain and confusion in her eyes retreading, "You know what? You should go."

"Jules," he mumbled. He wasn't sure what good it would do, but he didn't want to leave, not like this. He had fought hard to have this, he wasn't going to just let this go.

"You need to figure out what it is that you want, just as I need to figure out why the heck it is that I can't seem to contain my need to be with you and why the heck I'm not stopping myself from losing myself in you."

He saw the embarrassment in her eyes, knew that she hadn't intended to tell him all she just did, but he was glad.

He was glad that she was feeling the same confusion that he did, was glad that she found herself with an insatiable need to be together, was beyond glad that she found herself losing in him as he was in her.

It was painful to watch her fall apart, but the words were music to his ears.

He knew what he wanted – he had known all along. He wanted her, plain and simple. He wanted her, just like she wanted him. They wanted each other.

"You won't lose who you are, Jules, not when you're with me. I promise you that," he started, approaching her again. She stood still, watching him with weary eyes. He tried to take delight in the fact that she hadn't backed away from him. "I know that now, Jules. I know that now, when I thought I was losing myself, I was just opening myself to you. I know I am becoming a better someone, Jules, when I'm with you, and that's fine with me. I know what I want now, Jules, and I think you know what you want as well."

"Sam, this is – " she sighed, not completing her thought.

He didn't want to let her have the chance to doubt though. He stepped closer to her still, and leaned in to claim her lips in a gentle caress. He knew what he wanted now, and he would show her. If it would take all had, he would show her exactly what it was that he wanted for them.

"Sweetheart, we'll take it one step at a time,alright? We are both afraid to fall. We are both weary of the unknown. I get that, but we are good together, Jules, we are good together, and you can't deny that."

He felt her clung to him then, with an almost imperceptible nod. He held on tighter and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, "We'll be fine, Jules. Just stay with me, one step at a time."

* * *

A/N: Ah, this one has been a long time in the making. Hope you like it. I just feel like I need to make them do something after their fight though. Lemme know what you think.

Until next time.


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